Remember that 24 hour urine test I mentioned in my introduction? Yeah, I started it this morning, bright and early at 7:43. I have administered plenty of these tests and assisted in collection for many patients, but never imagined I would have to do it myself. I remember thinking once upon a time that it is slightly nerve-wracking because you have to make sure every. single. drop of urine goes into a giant orange bottle. Spill some, you start over. Patient forgets and dumps the urinal or hat into the toilet, you start over. If other icky stuff gets into the sample, well you call the lab, let them know and hope you don't have to start over. Easier to do that in the hospital than at home, know what I mean? I never realized that I would be buggered by the weird pressure that comes along with gathering roughly a gallon of pee so that someone could run a bunch of tests to make sure that my kidneys are up to snuff.
My first impression of this test was this: this is going to SUCK! This was brought on by the instructions included by the test. They read as follows: Caution- do not urinate directly into collection bottle. (This is physically impossible. I am a female, and therefore lack the necessary equipment to do so.) It is best to begin this test first thing in the morning, and complete it the following morning. (Duh! How much sense does it make to begin something like this after lunch?) To begin test, empty your bladder completely upon waking (in the toilet, I assume. I stopped wetting the bed decades ago, but to each their own.), and note the time. This marks the beginning of the test. For the next 24 hours, collect every single drop of urine into the bottle. You must empty your bladder within 10 minutes of the scheduled end of the test. If you urinate an hour or more before the scheduled end of the test, drink a 20 ounce glass of water and hold your urine until the scheduled end of the test, then urinate to complete the test. Note the time, place collection bottle in specimen bag, seal, and deliver to the designated lab. *Please note that the specimen should remain refrigerated throughout the duration of the test.*
Refrigerated? REFRIGERATED?!?! I have to keep a giant bucket of pee in my fridge! That's right folks; as I type, I have a jug of urine in my fridge, right next to the pickles. Don't worry, I have taken appropriate biohazard precautions (the pickles are wearing hazmat suits, duh!). And may I add, that not one person in this house has mistaken it for apple juice.
I never thought that I would obsess over whether or not I pee enough. There are measurement lines on the cute little bowl sitting in bowl toilet, the pee catcher if you will. There are also measurement lines on the big orange jug. For those that are curious, it's a little more than half full, and I still have 9 hours left. Earlier this afternoon, I had a funny thought: what do I do if I fill this thing before I go to bed? Do I sacrifice one of my Tupperwear containers? Do I free the pickles from their hazmat suits, eat them, and use the jar for storage? WHAT DO I DO??? I think I may fall short of the 3000 milliliter mark, so it's a less pressing issue than it seemed to be mere hours ago. Phew!
I think that it goes without saying that doing this test with a very curious toddler who has just learned that he is tall enough to open doors is quite the PITA. He already wants to be in my face when all I want to do is pee in peace. Today he sees me "playing in the toilet", which is a big no-no, and thinks it's okay now. *facepalm* All I can say on this front is thank goodness they don't want a stool sample (at least I don't think they do).
Well, now that I have sufficiently grossed you all out, I suppose this is as good a time as any to wish everyone a very Merry Christmas! The offending orange jug will go to the lab bright and early tomorrow and I will be able to get some baking done without worrying about using my fridge as specimen storage (don't worry, I'm going to clean it out before any goodies go in there!). Cheers!
*PS- feel free to share this blog with your friends and loved ones. You never know who may benefit from someone else's experiences, even if it may be in a "6 Degrees of Separation" sort of way.
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